Each mile driven lessens the weight in my chest…And we are fading from the familiar into the unknown.
Donald Miller in his book Through Painted Deserts
Do you ever feel like life is happening and yet nothing is happening at the same time? Please don’t misunderstand me, I am blessed beyond anything I deserve. But I know exactly what is going to happen every single day for the next four months. I go to work, I go to church, and go out with friends. And if I wanted to, I could orchestrate my life in a way that I would know for the next 20 years. I could stay in my town, have date nights with my husband, get a dog, go to church, have kids, and work work work to afford our dream home.
I know a lot of people who have done just that, in fact, many of my friends and family whom I greatly respect. They’ve found peace, comfort, and joy in the lives they built; they’ve raised their kids in safe and steady environments, honored God with their work, and built true communities. It’s actually incredible to know so many people who can look back on their lives and truly feel at peace with their decisions.
I want to feel that peace someday, too. To feel at rest with the twists and turns and the ups and downs that life throws at all of us and to enjoy the rhythm of my days, even after 10 years of the same thing. And yet, something inside of me aches for something more. I don’t know if it’s me being selfish and yearning for “fame, fortune, and adventure,” but ever since I was a teenager, I’ve felt as if part of my soul was waiting from some event bigger and riskier than the one I am in. It’s hard to feel content in the present. I find myself constantly looking ahead, as if waiting for a ship to arrive in the harbor, or a letter to come in the mail that states I’m needed elsewhere pronto.
Maybe I just wanted to feel significant.
Like I can make a difference in this world and make it better somehow. That thought sounds so selfish to me though, because deep down, even if I were to help people and change lives, it would only be so I could feel good about myself. I don’t think I’m alone in these feelings. Maybe everyone goes through what John Mayer called a “quarter-life crisis.” As I write this, I find myself thinking about what my family and friends would say if they read this. Would they think I’m selfish? Or acting like a child? Or worse, a millennial.
Side note: I think millennial’s get a bad rap. I think we’re pretty cool.
I don’t think they would understand. I might appear to be spouting off my whims and urging for things change when things are fine as they are. Maybe I’m just bad at explaining it to an older generation who seem to know exactly what they wanted out of life, or were forced to make decisions that kept a comfy money cushion in the bank. I haven’t come to terms with my significance in my 26 years of life.
Which leads me to why I am writing a blog. I have spent the last 8 years living in New Hampshire and done some pretty cool shtuff. I joined an amazing church, full of people have encouraged me, taught me, challenged me, and comforted me. I joined the New Hampshire Air National Guard and deployed to Qatar and Guam. I am going to school for free at the University of New Hampshire because of it. And best of all, I got married to an amazing man who makes me laugh, serves me, and walks through life with me.
But things are shifting (finally). I graduate in December, 2019. My contract with the Guard is done in February 2020, and our apartment lease is up in March 2020. In a span of three months, my life will be completely free of any and all obligations. We could move anywhere, do anything, and try anything we wanted. We could start a donut business in Poland. Or move to China to learn how to make traditional noodles. Or try to surf in Hawaii. Not that I’ve ever wanted to do any of those things. But seriously. The possibilities are endless.
We don’t want to stay in New Hampshire, though. Which is where my big idea came into play. What if we buy a van, rig it to be our home, and drive around the US to find a place we want to settle down? What if we drove around for a year?
This is idea is still in it’s infancy. Who knows if we actually go. But the thought has been planted and has started to grow and take up space in my mind. I hope to document the thoughts, fears, hopes, failures, and triumphs of the venture in this blog. Who knows? Maybe no one will read it and maybe it’s not well-written, but I want this is serve as a preservation of my memories of our journey along the way.
Feel free to come along.
Hashtag Van Dwelling 